It became clear to Jade, after less than a month with Darren that he knew absolutely nothing about the female body. Night after night she would lie there while he fiddled and poked about below her waist.

“Is that it?”


“How about here?”

“Definitely NOT!”

Keen to help, Jade bought him some sex manuals, but the only time Darren read them was when they were in bed. Taking a torch below the covers, Jade would stare at the ceiling, listening to the sound of pages being turned before the artless prodding began again.

One night, Darren finally lost his temper after Jade had fallen asleep as he rummaged around in her pyjamas.

“Right. I’ve had enough of this!”

He threw on his dressing gown, ran downstairs and out of the house. A minute or so later, Jade became aware of multiple footsteps on the stairs and muffled voices. A few seconds later, a middle-aged couple and two teenage boys entered the room.

Darren gestured to the family. “This is Mr Henderson..”

The man offered his hand to Jade and smiled.

“Call me Tony. I believe you’re in need of some directions?”

Jade nodded. “Just a little”.

“Lucky we were passing”. Tony took his hat off and lifted the sheet and bade Darren to join him. Their heads disappeared from sight and Jade smiled at the woman who looked approvingly around the room

“I like your wallpaper”

“Thank you”

The two teenage boys continued staring down at their phones, texting and chewing gum. Tony’s voice came from under the sheet.

“Ah, I see what you’ve done.  Yes, you’re in totally the wrong place. Back up, until you see the pubic line here, yeah? Go down about two, two and a half inches. Circle that for about five minutes, then go down about two more inches, then just straight on. You can’t miss it after that. OK?”

“Cheers, thank you. Very kind”

Tony emerged from under the covers and shook Darren’s hand.

“No problem. Good luck! Come on kids, let’s leave the lady and gentleman in peace”.

The family left, saying their goodbyes, Darren walking them to the door and offering thanks. When he came back upstairs, Jade was sat up and smiling.

“Ready to go, then?” she said and let her long slim legs fall open. Darren stood sheepishly.

“I know it sounds stupid, but every time someone gives me directions, I just stop listening. I didn’t hear a word he said….Sorry”.